A Forgiving Heart

Many times in life, we are confronted with hurtful incidents triggered either by disagreement, a slip of the tongue, blatant rudeness or a deed committed in bad judgment. The occasion generally accelerates the harbouring of thoughts and feelings of ill will. We hold grudges, and the desire to get ‘even’ with our intimidator fuels the flames of anger and hatred within us.

These emotions are part of an automatic retaliation response. Only later do we realize that these feelings of bitterness, vengeance, hatred and anger have penetrated into our lives and become our predators. Instead of diligently shielding us from harm and safeguarding us, these feelings often build up into another crisis. They clutch on to us, feed on themselves, and destroy our true character. These negative emotions quickly play havoc in our lives and overpower our minds to such an extent that we can no longer function rationally.

In the book Embodying Forgiveness, L. Gregory Jones clearly warns us of the dangers of hatred and revenge:

We are not permitted to allow our anger at those enemies to ossify (solidify) into hatred … To do so would be to return to complicity in sin. That feelings of hatred and vengeance might surface and might be real is undeniable; but they need to be struggled against. For the habit of hatred and the desire for vengeance not only perpetuate the cycles of violence; they also constrict and thereby distort the vision of the hater.

For a sincere spiritual aspirant, there can be no intimacy or closeness with God where bitterness, resentment and hatred dwell. In the book The Master Answers, Maharaj Charan Singh explains:

If you are carrying a grudge against anyone or have hatred in your heart, it is not pure, as its tendencies are always downward. Then you cannot receive what He wants to give you. So, if we have no ill-feeling against anybody, we have become pure and receptive; and we receive His grace, His love … A heart full of love has no room for hatred.

The saddest part of revenge is that it puts us at the same rank as those who have wronged us. We may feel vulnerable and wounded, powerless and paralysed with grief, yet it is precisely in this state that our beloved Father urges us to forgive and move on. The importance of forgiveness cannot be stressed enough for it not only absolves the offender of his wrongdoings but it helps us in seeking our own forgiveness as well. This principle is echoed by Christ when he said:

But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in Heaven will forgive your sins, too.
_{Bible, Mark 11:25, 26}

But how does one define forgiveness? The dictionary says it is “to stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offence or mistake, to pardon someone, to overlook an offence, to give up the desire to punish.” There should also be no constraint as to the number of times one should extend forgiveness if it is asked in the spirit of sincere penitence. An incident is recorded in the Bible where Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times?” In no uncertain terms did Christ reply, “I say not unto thee: until seven times but until seventy times seven.” What Christ meant was that the number did not have any real significance but our mercy must be just as unlimited and unbinding as that of God.

The best response to an intimidator is when we retaliate with weapons of love and forgiveness rather than anger and hatred. When we forgive those who have wronged us, they are overcome with awe, with wonder, because we did not respond with bitterness and violence as they had expected, and perhaps, as they had keenly anticipated and sub-consciously wanted.

However, forgiving others may be a very difficult act for the tormented soul because it can seem like giving in or being feeble. It can send wrong messages to our intimidators who may mistakenly believe that we are giving an endorsement to their vicious attacks or extending an invitation to be mistreated again. But forgiving others does not mean condoning their ruthless acts. It simply means that we need to release ourselves from the heavy burden of unrestrained anger, intense hostility and bitter resentment that weighs so heavily on us when we refuse to let go. Without forgiveness and absolution, we remain captive in our own emotional chamber, thereby prolonging the original pain that has been inflicted upon us.

Not being able to forgive, however, makes us more deeply entrenched in our suffering – we carry the wound in our hearts, and that stands in the way of our progress.
_{Vilayat Khan, as quoted in Awakening: A Sufi Experience}

Forgiveness challenges us to give up all thoughts of vindictiveness brought about by the thoughtless actions of others and to trust in the possibility of a better future. It allows us to build on the assurance that we can endure the pain and cultivate from it.

Even in our weakest moments, we are equipped with the inner stamina to do what needs to be done to liberate ourselves from the bondage of the past. We must utilize the selfless qualities of being ‘human’ by learning to forgive and spreading our love.

If anyone feels that he has hurt someone’s feelings,
  he should immediately make amends by admitting his fault
  and asking for forgiveness from the injured person.
In this way the clouds of guilt and uneasiness are lifted
  and love again comes in.
_{Maharaj Charan Singh, Quest for Light}