A Mother’s Advice
When I left you last month you were “walking on air” (your own words) after little Lally’s birth, and feeling that you were now a real family.
But I have just now read your email of today and am really sorry to find you so depressed. You have written, “I had such high ideals when I was initiated, all I cared about was meditation and seva – now I can’t do either.” And later you say, “I have the awful feeling that I’ve messed up, made the wrong choices, and lost out on the chance to be a good satsangi.”
What rubbish this is! The fact that you are missing meditation and seva so much shows what a firm hold the teachings have taken with you. Perhaps the problem is that your concept of meditation and seva is too limited.
I wonder how we all look from where the Lord is sitting? From our viewpoint, we expect almost instant results in everything. From where he is, I guess he can see all our past, present and future. We are constantly anxious because we don’t have the benefit of his overall viewpoint, we don’t see the slow, inevitable unfolding of things in exactly the way that they are meant to be. Perhaps, in his eyes, things with you are just as they should be. Once you were an eager new initiate, burning with enthusiasm, having lots of fun in company with others your age when you went for seva at the property. Now you’re a wife and mother of two tiny children. It’s not surprising that you don’t get to the property much, nor is it surprising that you’re finding it a struggle to get time for meditation. But do you think that your Master would have wanted you to remain frozen in one particular time? You wouldn’t want Lally to remain a baby forever, so wouldn’t he also want to see you grow?
See how I’ve written, “you don’t get to the property any more” – not “you don’t get to seva any more”. Is seva really confined to a property? Is being close to the Master confined to one place on earth? How could that possibly be true?
So you should understand that your seva is now to be the best possible companion to your husband. It’s also in looking after two of the Lord’s souls who have come to join you, dependent on you right now for everything, most of all for their well-being and happiness. That’s quite a privileged seva – as long as you treat it as that, as a loving service to the Lord. Never see your family either as “forever yours” or as something that keeps you away from him. It may sound corny to say it, but looking after our family and putting those we are responsible for before ourselves in all that we do is a wonderful training in losing the ego. And isn’t that what seva is about?
As for meditation, I agree that it is important, but remember what Maharaj Ji (Maharaj Charan Singh) had to say about it – that it’s not just closing ourselves in a room for a couple of hours, it’s a “way of life”.
Meditation is about remembering him and finding a spiritual heart in the physical world so, yes, it helps to have a concentrated session every day. I remember how you used to get up at 4 a.m. and come knocking on my door to get me up some days. But if the children make it impossible to sit for long, do whatever time you can manage. Even ten minutes makes that vital connection if you put your heart into it. Then, if the children have a sleep in the day, read a Sant Mat book or do another half an hour; keep making the connection again and again in a loving way because I’m sure that just as you long for him, he is lovingly looking at you and longing for your devotion. Once upon a time, he had to keep you physically close (through seva at the property). But now he knows that you can stand on your own feet and build your own atmosphere around you at home. I believe you can do it.
Sant Mat is slow. It’s meant for a lifetime and we go through many different stages in our development. So take heart, take courage, and keep going.
What is higher than everything else? Nam. That is what is holding everything together. Nam is present in every mote and every leaf. What is this precious thing that cannot be bought at any price? It is Nam. Nam is unique, without a peer. It upholds the entire universe and looks after all of us.
Maharaj Jagat Singh, Discourses on Sant Mat, Vol. II